Back After All This Time ...

... that being 3 & a half months, & I cannot tell you how much it delights me to say that in those 3 & a half months, I have had nothing more severe than a minor wibble in my emotional flatline. This is big; I've been accustomed to at least a bi-monthly flip, one way or the other (or both) for years & years!

I've been trying to figure out why this is, what I'm doing right. I've kept up the eating lots of fish & nuts whenever I can; this is not a hardship for me, except for the rare occasions when I'm looking at a restaurant menu & I'd really rather have the barbeque chicken than the poached salmon. I've given up trying to cut out caffeine, instead trying to just keep my caffeine intake on the low side; I've switched to decaf tea & though I still drink Coke more often than not, it's pretty much my only caffeine provider & I try to keep my intake regular. I exercise when I can, not frequently by any means but definitely more than I otherwise would, & alcohol ... well, I never really drank much before, so I haven't worried about it unless I've suspected I'm on a slide - then I won't go near it (no matter how much I really really want to). I'm feeling almost ready for an episode now - I know it's an illness, I know it's not my right frame of mind, I know there are people around to help me.

I'm really not convinced that I'm doing anything ground-breaking or amazing here; it's just some tips from my therapists, an 'experimental' theory on diet that I heard about in a documentary, & knowing I've got love & support. I'm currently counting my blessings that I evidently have a mild case that I can deal with without turning to drugs (yet), never mind how totally not mild it is when it really hits me. I hope this gives a few people out there a bit of hope in their own situations, too ... & I'll keep up the blog, however infrequently, for as long as I can.

I've been diligently using www.bipolarcharts.com all this time, & it is very interesting to look back & see the little line bobbing up & down. I can go back & click on the biggest highs or lowest lows to see what comments I put with them at the time, & get an idea of what was going on at the time. It's a really good analytical tool, & I strongly recommend using it. I can even put in how much exercise I'm doing at the time as well, & can look back & see if that seems to have a correlation (at the moment, a little) or how anxious I'm feeling, & look back at that too (lots of spikes with the lows & a few spikes with the highs, but spikes on their own don't seem to be bringing on either as far as I can tell).It's also kind of amusing to look back on at times, for example when I clicked on an astronomical spike on my anxiety chart & saw that it was the day I went to the dentist for a filling ...

I'm still keeping busy - larp, theatre, my little business & even a bit of gardening now that the weather's nice, & all alongside a full time job! So blog posts aren't going to be regular, but I'll do my best for you. Keep an eye on this, if it interests you ... I will be back.
xx

Status Update: January & February 2012

I'm doing these two months together, not entirely because I've been too lazy/ busy to do them separately, but also because (cue fanfare) I've had a good couple of months! Apart from a few minor wobbles that turned out to be nothing much, I've had no serious ups or downs at all since New Year. This is pretty good, & I've been revelling in my normalcy!

I'm loving that Bipolar Charts thing, by the way. It's really helpful with keeping track, especially with my memory! I'm also tracking my exercise & my anxiety levels, just to see how they tally with my general mood. When I get some more dramatic images (not that I'm hoping) I'll have a bash at posting them on here, so you can see what it's like. In the meantime, if it's something you think might benefit you, go check it out. I posted a link for it last time, I think.

But I have been somewhat busy. I'm at the very start of organising a play (adverts for which will be forthcoming), I'm raising money for my charity of choice, The Sophie Lancaster Foundation (by going blonde .... photos can be seen at www.justgiving.com/Tracey-Carvill & if you like it you can still donate), still larping (of course) & continuing my slow amble towards having my own craft business by putting stuff together to trade at a larp fair in March! So yay, go me!

The next project on the horizon is the aforemantioned larp fair at the end of March. I say fair - it's more of a cross-system tournament, really, with a few stalls on the side. It's called LARP AID, it too is raising money for S.O.P.H.I.E (this year - it picks a new charity every year), & you can find out more at www.larpaid.org.uk if you're curious. I'll be going along as my latest alter-ego, Pixie, selling my wares & taking orders for custom pieces. Also I'll be one of the judges in the bards' tournament, yay!

So that's me for now ... all go & all good. Other than that, best wishes to my dear pal Lemur Lady, who writes that there blog 'Knitting My Own Yoghurt' on here, who recently had a bit of an accident, bless her. Hope you pull through!

Thanks for reading!

Status Update: December 2011

Mostly, December was fine. It's generally a good, albeit rather stressful month for me; it has both my birthday & Xmas in it, not to mention New Year, which are all good, happy party times, but as I work in retail, it can get rather crazy on the work front. Also I can't take any holiday time in December, so it's all go.

Unfortunately, my mood started to drop around the 28th, & just after New Year it really plummeted. (Yes I know that's technically not December, but it's relevant, & it's my blog, so nyeh.) I just lifted out of it in the last couple of days, so it was a long one, though thankfully not a really severe one. I am currently glaring suspiciously at the (comparatively) large amount of alcohol (depressant) I drank over the previous 3 weeks, & vowing to be more careful next year. Once in a while, getting pleasantly riddled on rum doesn't seem to do me any harm, but this was ... let me count ... five? ... times in 3 weeks. Ah, Xmas. The season of goodwill.

Well, they do say January is a depressing month ...

New Toy!!!!

http://bipolarcharts.com/

So you can make a chart / graph of your moods, leave notes on the stuff that's happening to you, & start to notice & understand any patterns, triggers etc. Could be interesting ... I'll let you know how it goes.

Things To Do When Depressed: 1

DO GO OUT TO GIGS/ CLUBS/ EVENTS YOU'VE PLANNED FOR.

So this might sound like the last thing you'd want to do, but I just suffered hrough a nasty week & I had both a gig & a LARP event to go to. I seriously considered bailing, but I know from previous experience that this just gives me another thing to torture myself with while I'm down - failure to commit to my plans, letting my friends down, wasting ticket money, blah blah blah. So this time, I just sucked it up & went. The gig was a bit torturous at first ... making small talk while waiting for the bands wasn't much fun - but once the gig started I threw myself into dancing & cheering & singing, & came out of it feeling briefly better. Music has always helped me through, & a bit of crazy dancing really helped too. Probably those exercise endorphins ... In fact my therapist did tell me that exercising would help, so ... there we are.

The LARP helped too. But then that's a mix of exercise & escapism ... running around pretending to be someone else? No mystery why that helped, really.

Now I don't recommend that you stick to things that are going to involve lots of socialising & talking to people, where you're going to have to keep your mask up all the time, & pretend you're fine when you're really not. That's exhausting & torturous, so probably best avoided. After all, if you give the excuse that you're ill, you're not reallt lying, are you? But things you really enjoy, things you can get lost in, things like clubbing or gigging or anyhing else you really love ... try & do it regardless. Things you enjoy that much will help you lift your mood & get out of the funk ... or at least help you stop sliding any further down.

Status Update: October & November 2011

I've been busy busy busy lately, & now that the dust is finally starting to settle I'm back to update this lil' ol' blog thingy.

Sooo ... October. Let's see ... I was deep in rehearsals for a play & had a major game in my favourite LARP game to prepare for, as well as my new year, Samhain. (Have I mentioned I'm Wiccan? Can't remember. Well, I am.) So I had a lot to do. This meant I didn't have much time for moping or dwelling, & I couldn't wuss out on any of these responsibilities, & my mind was pretty much occupied all the time. I only recall a brief (maybe a week) period of feeling ... mixed up, sometimes buzzing, sometimes drooping ... but I didn't have time to pay it much attention. This seems to work quite well, at least for the less severe moments - just keep busy, don't give your mind time to dwell, to play its tricks, just keep forging ahead until the phase passes.

November, I wasn't quite so lucky. The play went on on the 25th & 26th, so I was still rehearsing like mad up til then, & right after that I had another LARP event - this one a small thing that I had arranged with a group of friends, so I was preparing for that too. Up til these, I was fine - busy, a bit stressed, but fine. Unfortunately right after that I had a week of rather nasty depression - the kind that makes you feel physically unwell as well as just plain miserable. I thought I was catching a cold, but the lack of symptoms except for feeling ridiculously tired (but unable to sleep) & under the weather, followed with the sudden sinking spirits, clued me in. I continued with the keeping busy plan, but it persisted ... I'm only just clawing my way out of it now. Still, I found out a few good things - but I'll put them in a new post. :)

In other news ... happy belated new year to all the Wiccans & other pagans out there!

Cute but true ...

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

Bipolar Surveys for Research & Fundraising!!!

Just thought I'd pop up a quick blog to highlight this. I found it on Facebook of all places, but it seems like a great idea:

http://www.piphealth.com/Default.aspx?id=22&ids=234421&ref=fbmdf

I'm signing up, I'll let you know how it goes.

Mental Illness Metaphors ... Yay Or Nay?

I was directed to an interesting article today, about how using mental illnesses as metaphors (i.e: describing someone who washes their hands a lot as 'a bit OCD' or changeable weather as 'bipolar weather') can be damaging, in that it can demean or belittle the illnesses, making people think they're not as severe as they can be, & encouraging social stigmas against those with mental illnesses. It also raises the opposite idea that it can instead act to bring about discussion of mental illnesses & in that way increase understanding of them. Read the article & see what you think:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15213824

Also, the link at the bottom to bipolar disorder has a great section on treatment, including a 'self help' section for anyone who's not on drugs or just needs a way to get a better handle on it. It's pretty much the stuff I'm doing, which is nice for me - a bit of validation is always appreciated!

Status Update: September 2011

This won't be a long one.

September has been ... odd. I had a few days of depression at the start of the month (just after I reported on August being 'episode-free', ironically), & then to the end of the month I had a very peculiar week that I can only describe as being 'mixed'. Very high mood, but with the occasional moments of extreme lows. Lows as in anger, stress & sadness, so it really was all over the place. Though the lows were responses to situations, albeit rather exaggerated ones, in hindsight.

Still, nothing was going to happen overnight. So I'm still on the diet-watching tactic. The thing I've been thinking about a fair amount recently however, is the importance on not being bored. Boredom allows the mind to wander, to dwell, & to play all sorts of nasty tricks on you. & that goes for everyone, not just us poor folks with malfunctioning brains. So I've been keeping very busy indeed. I've recaught the acting bug, had a couple of commissions for my burgeoning costume-making business, & watched LOTS of dvds.Along with this I've been clubbing, larping & rambling. I have to say, fighting off boredom has been fun & certainly productive, but I think there's something to say for not being too busy as well ... :D

That's all for now, I'm off to watch more dvds & play WoW.

Interesting ...

I just had this pointed out to me. It's interesting ... it certainly seems to tie in with my findings on my own caffeine intake. But of course with bipolar it's all about balance ... not too much, not too little ... ir at least it is for me so far.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-15059266

Thoughts?

Status Update: August 2011

As you might surmise by my lack of posts, it's been a quiet month ... Well not exactly, there have been several birthdays, weddings, picnics & so on, as well as commissions to make & of course my job ... but in other regards, it's been quiet. Haha.

I'm happy to say that in August I had not one mood swing that I could attribute to my bipolar. Nothing whatsoever that felt out of control or out of perspective. Nothing! This is a rather happy realisation for me, because I honestly don't think I've had a full month feeling ok & stable for ... 2 years? I know that sounds like a lot, but I think it's right. So this is a good sign, but let's not get complacent ...

So I'm trying to improve on my healthy eating theory. As well as pigging out on salmon & watching my caffeine intake, I've started on these Graze boxes that you can get delivered to you through the post. Anyone out there tried them? What do you think? For those who haven't, they're filled with yummy natural nibbles like seeds, nuts. dried berries & fruit, & the odd chocolate button ... I jumped on them mainly for the seeds, which just aren't something I usually think to pick up at the supermarket, but they're designed to help you avoid the '3pm slump' that a lot of people get when they eat breakfast, lunch & dinner, & not much in-between (which is apparently not great for you) - hence the name 'Graze'. I've added a link on the right-hand side if you want to check them out (put in the code 1KNHPQ43 & you can have a free box on me).

I've done better on the reiki / meditation this month, but not as well as I'd like. So that's still ongoing.

That's all I've got to tell you  ... here's hoping this coming month is as uneventful!

Status Update: July 2011

A tad late, I confess, but we've all been a bit distracted of late in the UK, by these bloody riots ... big thanks to the powers that be that they seem to be over ...

So let's see ... I believe I had 1 upswing & 1 downswing in July (notice how I can't seem to use the words 'mania' or 'depression'? Curious ...). The upswing wasn't too severe, though it did run a bit extreme toward the end. The downswing ... 3 or 4 days of utter misery, followed by a couple of days of numbness. It also happened to coincide with what should have been a very happy event. Thankfully I didn't ruin anyone's day.

And what of the mechanisms? Well, the meditation / reiki is still not on track, but better than last month. It's something that took me ages to get into the habit, & not long to get out of. I fear it's going to be the same this time around. Food-wise, I'm monitoring my caffeine intake - neither cutting it out completely nor allowing myself as much as I used to have - & it seems to be working well. I've eaten salmon as often as I can, & my scientifcally reliable other half informed me that folic acid also helps with mood regulation, so with that in mind I've been nomming on marmite on toast (good thing I love marmite!).

I'm also keeping myself very busy with making stuff, writing stuff, & playing stuff in my spare time - it's been a bit hectic at times, & I may need to remind myself to take some time out to avoid getting too stressed! But generally, life is good.

So in summary, I'm still not episode-free, but they weren't severe. This pleases me. I'll keep up the experiment. Stay tuned ...

The Things I Love

When you suffer from severe episodes of depression, I think it becomes rather important to make sure you fill your life with things you love. These things can help to keep your spirits up, & to distract you when the depression starts to really hit hard. As with just about everything on this blog, it won't work on its own, but along with all the other bits of advice, it helps ...

Here's the stuff I love:

LARP. Live Action Role Play, for those of you not 'in the know'. Don't know what it is? Watch the movie 'Role Models'. Here in the UK, we are lucky in that most of the LARPs that run over here are much better in terms of the quality of plot, costume & weaponry, but basically, it's the thing they do in 'Role Models'. LARP incorporates my love of theatre with my love of costumes & my love of the outdoors. Dress up in a cool costume, run around in the forest & pretend to be a faery? You couldn't stop me! My local LARP event is Skullduggery LARP & it is awesomeness incarnate. Check the links!

ACTING. Yeah, I'm an actress. Amateur, admittedly, but I've been told I'm pretty good at it. More importantly, I love it. I jump in on any bit of local theatre I can (except pantos & most musicals - I hate those).

WRITING. My writing is sporadic at best, but when I'm in the zone I am IN THE ZONE. One day I'll get something published ... perhaps. That would be so cool ...

MAKING STUFF. My love of costume has morphed into a love of making costume, & since I've even been making stuff for other people, at their request, I've ventured far enough to make myself an online shop & be something of an entrepeneur. Look for Pixie-Led Creations on Facebook or Folksy, or just follow the link on the right ...

MUSIC. Music is one of my life's essentials. Anyone who knows me will know  that I can't walk a distance, drive a journey or work a day at work without my Ipod to keep me company.

BOOKS & MOVIES. I put these together because they both involve the same thing for me: good stories. I love a good story, especially a good scary story, & my living room is practically a library of books & dvds. I am also partial to a good pc game ...

I look back at this list & think a) 'fitting the creative bipolar stereotype much??' & b) 'wow, nearly all of these things in some way involve an escape from reality, isn't that a bit worrying?' No. I have enough to worry about, thank you. The link between creativity & bipolar interests me, & I may be a big kid (undeniably), but I think this stuff helps, despite this common theme. Now, if I start thinking I really AM a faery & refuse to come out of the woods, then you have my full permission to worry.

Making It Work For Me!

I'm coming to the end of a very good week, & upon reflection I'm thinking that I've been running a little manic for most of it. I've been feeling very active, very alert, & have constantly been doing something - making stuff, mostly. After some encouragement I've set up an online shop to sell the hairpieces & costume bits that I like to make (but more about that later), & this week I've been working on a few bits to put in the shop. The alarm bells started ringing when I ran out of thread on the the thing I was working on & found myself without a project for the time being, but felt completely unable to STOP. I spent an hour dithering around looking for a new project, & ended up bouncing on & off of computer games, very grumpy & unable to settle. It's the inability to settle that makes this kind of mood infuriating, so if I can stick to a project I will - like glue! Now I'm coming to another no-projects-left period (which I'm hoping to end tomorrow when I hit the boot fairs with a vengeance, looking for new stuff), & so I'm here, knowing what the problem probably is & seeking distraction.

I've got to say though ... I've gotten LOADS done this week! When it works for me, it really works ... now if I could just find a way of MAKING it work for me ...

Status Update: June 2011

So looking back over my 'incident diary', I've had 2 bouts of depression in the last month. Both early in the month, about a week apart, both lasting for 3 or 4 days. Neither were particularly severe.

I've tried cutting back on caffeine & discovered how it helps to have a little extra caffeine when I'm down. I've been eating as much salmon as my lovely boyfriend cooks for me (don't look at me like that, his dad's a trained chef - of course he's going to be the better cook!). I'll confess the reiki has been a bit of a fail - I've tried to do it regularly but there's just so much other stuff that needs to be done ...

Well, it's a rather unexciting start .... but a start nonetheless. The lack of evil, devastating depressions or crazy loon fits could point to stuff working ... or it could just be a quiet month. Only time will tell ...

This month I pledge to try harder with the reiki, monitor my caffeine intake, & eat LOTS of salmon. Especially that last one.

Rules Were Made To Be ... Well, you know.

I've just clawed my way back from 2 rather nasty potholes in my emotional road. 2 weeks, 2 bouts of depression ... yay for me. Still, thankfully neither were as serious as they can be, & I emerged on the other side relatively unscathed. This is undoubtedly in part thanks to my lovely boyfriend, who did his best to keep making me smile with little thoughtful gestures like making me tea, cooking me my favourite dinner (mmm, salmon ...) & giving me backrubs. It's very hard to remain convinced that you're worthless & horrible when someone is constantly demonstrating that you're lovely & special. Thanks Tony.

During the second bout, however, I recalled reading on one of those nutrition sites I linked in my blog about diet that caffeine can help elevate a low mood. I never thought of caffeine as doing this - it might be obvious to you, but to me caffeine has always been an energy thing. But hey ho, you live, you learn. So when I realised my mood was plummeting & things were going to get worse before they got better, I broke my caffeine rule & had a bottle of Coke. I didn't expect it to do much.

It did, though. No dramatic change, I wasn't suddenly singing about rainbows & hugging everyone, but my mood did lift a little. Enough to get me out of the worst depths of my depression & begin clawing my way out again. Enough to prevent me bursting into tears at work & having to suppress the urge to take a sharp object to myself.

It looks like I'll be amending the caffeine rule to something like this: cut down on it generally, but keep it in mind for a helpful boost when my mood drops.

Status Update: May 2011

It occurs to me that doing all this researching & experimenting in ways to control my bipolar disorder won't really count for much if I don't tell you how I'm doing on that front. So I figure a quick update at the end of each month should sort that out.

So ... May 2011. Well, let's see ... I had a rather odd couple of weeks in the middle of May, I suppose what would be called a mixed episode ... my thoughts were fuzzy & muddled, I wasn't sleeping very much & I felt very agitated a lot of the time; I thought I was due for an upswing, but it went totally the other way around, & then - as I said previously - I ended up suffering migraines. Once the headaches cleared I was ok, though.

Not the best way to start this, I suppose, but I don't get to pick & choose, more's the pity ...

Alternative 2: A New Diet

In the documentary 'The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive' (linked on the right), Stephen Fry talks to a woman who manages her bipolar disorder without drugs, by paying close attention to what she eats. Now the psychiatrist who diagnosed me said that food has no effect on bipolar disorder, but a) he was talking about it triggering, rather than preventing, episodes, & b) the woman in the documentary was also a psychiatrist! So it sounded quite promising to me, & I promised myself I would look it up.

Well, I have, & I have to say it sounds good. I've added a link to a couple of the better sites I found, but the general gist is as follows:

Fish!!!!! Oily fish, such as salmon, mackerel, tuna etc. These are rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which apparently help with regulating mood, as well as keeping your heart healthy. Bonus! Personally I was jumping for joy after reading this, because my favourite food is salmon. Smoked, baked, fried ... i love it! Now if I can convince my lovely fantastic-cook boyfriend to cook it more often, I'm on to a winner ...

But if you don't like fish, the cod liver oil supplements you can buy in the supermarket will do the trick. So will seeds & nuts like walnuts, sunflower seeds & so on.

The fish thing was the main example given by the woman in the documentary; she said that she would eat fish at any given opportunity as well as taking supplements. However, a lot of sites report that there isn't enough evidence to support this, so at the moment it's a possibility rather than a definite help. Still, if it means I get to eat more salmon, I'm willing to play guinea pig ...

St John's Wort is a common herbal treatment for depression; however it can play havoc if you're on the contraceptive pill, which I am, so unfortunately I won't be trying this one out. If anyone has any experience with this, though, I'd love to hear it.

Diets high in fat or salt are also mentioned as being problematic, because they might interfere with some medications. I'm not on medication - yet - so I'm going to pass over this for now. But there's more information in the articles.

Avoid stimulants & depressants. This means cut down or avoid alcohol, which is - as I'm sure everyone knows - a depressant. No problem for me there; I rarely drink. It also means cutting down or avoiding caffeine & sugar. Now THIS is a problem. I don't drink much, I don't smoke, & I don't do drugs, & I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but my one vice is Coke (the fizzy stuff that comes in cans, not the white stuff that gets you thrown in jail!). I love it. I've tried to cut down on it several times in the past because it is ruining my teeth (I have way too many fillings already), with ...er, variable success. I'm definitely drinking less than I used to. But if I'm going to test this out, I think I'm going to have to cut down on it even more. I also drink a lot of tea. So it's decaffeinated tea for me from now on, & ... does anyone know a good caffeine-free alternative to Coke?

A Link Between Bipolar Disorder & Migraines?

The reason I started wondering about this was because I've suffered from migraines since I was around 15, but after a long time of fiddling with my diet I haven't had any for well over 6 months. But then a couple of weeks ago I felt the usual symptoms of an oncoming mood swing - mainly, needing less & less sleep & feeling a little bit giddy. I thought I was going to have an upswing. But, as occasionally happens, I had the opposite, & hit a big nasty cloud of depression. Then I came down with a migraine. The silver lining there is that when I have a migraine, there's very little I can think about other than the pain in my head, so it sort of stopped the depression in its tracks. When the migraine lifted, I felt better in general, but after a couple of days the depression hit again. Then I got another migraine!!! After ages not having any, to have 2 within 2 weeks, along with the depression, struck me as pretty suspicious.

It's pretty easy to say that migraine sufferers would of course feel the occasional bout of depression, because migraines are just ... well, horrible. But in my example, the depression hit first. This isn't always the case - usually I don't get migraines whenever I'm depressed, & when my migraines were frequent I can't recall them coinciding with any of my mood swings (but it's difficult to accurately recall as up until a few years ago I didn't really register the mood swings as being out of the ordinary, & even after that I wasn't really sure what the mood swings were). So I thought I'd Google it. Hooray for Google, the bringer of all wisdom ...

Unfortunately it didn't bring me all that much. After ploughing through several articles, some of which were so academically written it was like they were in another language, I got the general idea that YES, there is a link between bipolar disorder & migraines, but NO, nobody really knows what it is & why. I've linked one of the articles for your perusal.

Apparently both bipolar diorder & migraines are what they call 'comorbid' conditions, & can & often do occur in the same person at the same time, but without causing or affecting each other. It appears to be a simple case of having the right (or wrong) sort of brain - a brain that is home to bipolar disorder would also be a suitable habitat for migraines as well. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, my in-depth reasearch begins & ends with what I dig up online.)

So there is a link, but so far no real information on that link exists, pending further studies. I shall have to keep an eye out for further studies; If anyone hears more on this, I'd love to hear it.